Poetry With Hart

This one was from a prompt on/around 5/30. Something about doomscrolling. I had a darkly humorous take on it with a kind of Terry Pratchet vibe going in my head. But then it turned weirdly personal and just became this ugly venting thing that is hard to read.

I would like to put a disclaimer on it that: there is death, rape, suicide, abuse, torture, insanity, and quite a number of dark or weird things mentioned in it. If it feels like you’re reading a panic attack, I’ve done my job correctly.

Also want to say that, I’m actually okay now. Things just got really really weird processing life leading up to the wedding. All burned out of my system now. And without further ado, enjoy…

—-

The prophet walked into the temple
announcing loudly for all to hear
“DOOM!
The new doom scrolls are here!”

Monks circled around
stone slab tables
surrounding the echo
beneath the world
The scroll unfurled
text appeared on the parchment
seemingly out of nowhere
it read:

what happens if
what happens if he get’s elected again
what happens if there’s no more elections at all
what if martial law is declared
what happens if they start shooting protesters
what happens if they start burning books again
what happens if they start searching houses
what happens is the sky falls
what happens if the bomb drops
what happens if they come for me
what will happen to my family
what happens if they come for my family, 
what happens if they come for my friends
what is happening is they are already coming for neighbors
what is happening is they are coming for my students
what happens if they come for us all
what happens if they kill us all
what is happening is they are killing the planet after all
what would have happened if she was elected instead
what would have happened if I had stayed sober after the election
what is happening is it’s still really hard to stay sober at all
what would have happened is the car accident in December had killed me
what would happen if anyone knew I had suicidal thoughts at the time
would my life insurance policy have paid out then
would he have been able to afford getting our kids out of the country then
what is happening is I’m doing better now,
re-learning how to make friends again
what happens if I fail at that, if no one likes me, if I overwhelm them, 
what happens if my brain goes dark again and I push them all away
what happens if my parents can’t care for my brother
will I have to shoulder his schizophrenia again
will I withstand it again
what happens if I lose my mind
what happens if I already have and no one’s told me yet…

what happens if I change the topic inside my head
think I could succeed for once instead
think I could be happy this time
this time I’ll get it right
this time I’ll be successful
this time I’ll be okay
this time I won’t get hurt
this time I really do get a happy ending
this time I won’t get tortured or abused or raped or…

the topic changed back
why is it so cold this weekend
why is it that nothing I seem to do warms me today?
am I cold or is it cold feet
does having cold feet make me a bad person
will I be a bad wife, am I a bad partner, am I a bad woman
what happens if I can’t reconcile my emotions
what happens if I’m still polyamorous after all
he said he takes me as I am, no matter what
will it be enough, am I enough, am I too much
what happens if I tell them, my fiance 
and my friend that their eyes looked familiar
like I knew them both from a lifetime before
would they push me away
would they shut the door to communication
what would happen if I became like a ghost again instead
haunt my own life, being a part from rather than a part of 
always seeking to touch the world
never reaching it, building a community, building a family
but always feeling lightyears away
then the chaos din creeps in again
what happens if I’m ever raped again
would I finally lose my mind this time?
How many times has it been?

The prophet can’t read the worry any longer saying, 
“she’ll be okay, she just needed to let the poison out”
He rolls the parchment that had spiraled on the floor
up tightly, binds it 

then chucks it in the bin.